When Discipline Is Love

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (Hebrews 12:5-6)

There are many controversies nowadays about parenting styles. Parents who are serious about the welfare of their kids sometimes find themselves confused about how best to guide their little ones. A lot of questions pop up, like--

How do I teach my kids how to differentiate right from wrong?

How do I make my kids regret what they did wrong?

How do I make my kids understand why what they did was wrong?

How do I train my kids to choose to do what is right even when I am not there with them, even when no one is watching?

And so debates about the "Tiger Mom approach" and the "Buddy Mom approach" emerge.

Me? Neither of the two. Discipline is a must, yes. Otherwise, we cripple our kids for life. But how do I go about it?

1. I first teach them about my unconditional love.

Because kids need to know that they will be loved no matter what before they can be honest about their mistakes and shortcomings.

2. I make sure it's private.

The intent is to teach, not to humiliate and show-off my power as the almighty parent.

3. I show them my displeasure and/or my disappointment.

Face it, there is always displeasure when people do bad things. Kids value their parents' opinions of them above everyone else's. If we say that what they have done is bad but still go ahead and show them our happy and "I'm-so-proud-of-you" faces, doesn't that send mixed signals to them? 

4. I make them narrate the incident in their own words and make sure that their narrative is objective and accurate.

Disciplining kids is useless if you're not looking at it from the same vantage point.

5. I make them tell me what they did wrong.

Realization is impossible if our kids can't even identify what they did wrong. 

6. I make them tell me why what they did was wrong.

I try to make them realize the implications of what they did without either making a mountain out of a molehill, or trivializing a crucial act. Yes, parent-and-child talks should be comprehensive and relatable. But they should be balanced as well.

7. Unless it's a recurring problem, or something that could have had disastrous consequences to life and limb, I let them help decide what the punishment should be. 

They "help" in deciding. By making them participate in this decision process, they also, albeit inadvertently, help me gauge their understanding of the latitude and severity of their actions and/or inactions.

8. Corporal punishment? Yes. 

I only call it corporal because it's physical. One open-palm smack on their palms or on the buttocks is enough to make my kids weep. (I make sure that it's not painful. And I usually have to do this only once.) They never weep because it of the physical pain because there's hardly any in the first place. They weep because they had disappointed me to the point that I had to reinforce our talk with some physical token of discipline.

And oh, this has to be after #s 1 through 6.

Not all discipline is love. But as moms and dads, love is something we can never opt out whenever we discipline our kids. 

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